Be warned: this isn't so much critiquing your mistakes as it is about what this piece so far has... emoted.
While you previously mentioned you took the liberty of deviating away from ME series' main plot, I think it was a move well made.
You have a gripping set up in Episode 2 that you took care to nurture, and the audience needed more of a chance to identify with Lola because of that. We know that she is ultimately who James personifies Commander Shepard to be, but up until now we've only seen characteristic tie-ins: the badass, get-shit-done attitude, the selflessness with which she throws herself into the thick of danger for those she cares for, the beauty and brawns rolled up into one tight, sensual package. All well and good. But that's only skimming the surface of what makes a character stay with us after we finish reading. In my opinion, therein lies what separates the good tales from the great.
Here we see her in action and, in the final moments of the chapter, feel the gut-wrenching emotion Bioware made the audience associate with Shepard. During her speech to the squad before the final push on Earth, my first playthrough when Shepard got spaced (and me practically throwing my controller, screaming, "Are you serious? I just started the damn game!"), and even with Wrex's monologue during the genophage cure mission on Tuchanka (if you took that route in your gameplay), I was left with something clawing at my heart. It made me feel for Shepard and for what I was witnessing. It was a solidifying move for this story as a whole, though I'm sure you'll give me plenty more chances to give me pause.
I've reserved any sort of critique up until this point mostly because *mothbanquet has done an excellent job of polishing the diamond, but I ended this chapter with something lingering in my chest. There was a slow build up in her actions, her motives, and finally in the concluding spin, I felt something.
Now you've set the bar. I'm going to be on the lookout for the duration of where you take me. No pressure.
Be prepared for more plot twists. I suggest that you don't read the comments or my journals before you finish.
No worries, I've steered clear of anything that remotely mentions the progress of TOTGA.
I have however, as previously mentioned, been enjoying the series of critiques accompanying each chapter. Very insightful analyses.